Friday, January 29, 2010

life in code

getting out of bed is hard after a 'defeat'. and yesterday was utterly sordid. a real defeat. there is some real freudian 'civilization and its discontents' thing going on here. a chafing against society, civilization, discipline, regimes of health (food, exercise), the protestant work ethic. every 5-10 days, like clockwork, my whole being rebels against all of this - it's really quite magnificent and if i were a true poststructuralist, i would cheer - and before i know it, i am back in an ocean of bad behaviours and sin. then guilt, expiation, stability, smugness, and the fall. i am beginning to be fascinated by this. sometimes i wonder if the badness is actually functionally necessary (indulgence, reward) to maintain some sort of meta-sanity - which is to say that if i didn't indulge in it, life would be intolerable. it feels very dialectical.

on the other hand, a lot of people dont function like this. as a child, there seemed to be a certain sort of sameness to my parents' lives. i didnt observe them go through mood swings like this. it feels very adolescent. maybe some people just make their peace with civilization, and others don't. or maybe only those of us who have the luxury of spending so much fucking time thinking about ourselves, observing, analysing, feeling, talking to others about our feelings, our days, our selves, our therapists, our navels...maybe if there were kids to feed, struggles to fight for (REAL fighting, not my anodyne watching and commenting from the sidelines), partners to support...

i have to go back and write my lecture. THANK GOD i am sitting in an office and there is nothing to do but go back to writing my lecture. and the door has a glass window in it. some day i will write about how the panopticon saves us from ourselves.

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